Bereavement

Bereavement is something most people experience at some time in their lives—we all react to it in different ways. Here are some of the more common patterns that bereavement takes.

There seem to be four recognisable stages or emotional responses to a profound loss:

1. Shocked disbelief – It cannot be!

This is the immediate reaction to death or profound loss. It can last either a few minutes, a few hours, or even a few days—longer if the death is sudden or unexpected. In the case of a violent or traumatic death this response of shocked disbelief to the news may last for several weeks.

You may in this period feel very calm and rather detached; conversely you may feel completely "at sea" and awash with strongly conflicting emotions which may take the form of "If only this or that had not happened" John or Mary would not have died. These are all very common and they are normal responses to the knowledge that a person has died or to the news that death is inevitable in the case of serious illness.

2. Being unable to accept the loss

This often involves what has been called searching behaviour, which means a yearning for the person and the inability to let them go. It is a denial that the death has happened but expressed non-verbally in things being done as if the dead person were still present. For example setting their place at table, waiting for their footstep on the stair or the sound of their key in the door

This can be a profoundly worrying time. Thinking you have seen or heard the dead person is quite common in this stage. Other signs of yearning and searching are wandering round the house aimlessly, going through drawers and cupboards and discovering pictures, letters and other memorabilia. All these responses are perfectly normal. If you do not catch yourself doing these things this response too is also normal. Each person reacts differently to loss

3. Despair and depression

During this stage, which is often the longest, you may find yourself very troubled by emptiness, deep sadness, anger, guilt, lethargy, tears. You may begin to live in your own world, isolated from others, even though you live in close proximity to them. You may lose all interest in living and feel there is no point in going on. You may even question your own sanity and think you are going mad. This, though very painful, is a common experience and very normal.

4. Reorganization

This often comes with the passage of time—though time does not heal. The healing process is aided by facing the feelings and talking about feelings with those we trust and love.

As the grief begins to heal, you might find yourself being able to remember without necessarily feeling sad. This can be a time for you to begin life again and it is important to renew old interests and take up new pursuits. This can feel as if it is in some way disloyal to the deceased. In reality, what was is over—the separation is complete, your relationship to the dead person has been laid to rest and it is time to move on.

What has happened in the past, the good times shared and the pain of separation is always part of you. The person who has died would not wish their memory to be clouded by years of unresolved living torment in those left behind. The past shared is not affected by you enjoying the present and living each day to the full.

How you can help yourself

As well as feeling grieved and sad, be prepared to feel any of the following:

• Guilt
• Panic
• Fear
• Self pity
• Anger—even at the person who died.

If you do experience these emotions, you may feel as if you want to hide them—but they are valid feelings and all are a normal part of the emotional cycle of grieving. It is important that you talk about these feelings and share them with a friendly, understanding listener.

You may feel that some of your friends are avoiding you. Unfortunately, this often happens and is probably due to their embarrassment of not knowing what to say. It may help if you take the first step. Let them know you need them and their support and that you want and would value the opportunity to talk about the dead person.

Running away

It is sometimes very tempting to feel that life would be more bearable if you moved house or quickly disposed of possessions or refused to see people. This is a very natural urge to avoid difficult and painful things and the feelings which they trigger. However, such actions can make things worse and more difficult to bear. Major decisions which will affect the future need to be given great thought and mature consideration. When you are in early grief you do not really have the concentration and objectivity necessary to make these decisions wisely.

Bereavement

Bereavement is a time of very painful emotions, and it is necessary to experience and express these strong feelings properly before you will be able to begin to rebuild your life. It is not until the sharpness of these feelings subsides that you will be in an emotionally fit state to make major decisions. It is well to wait until a more opportune time before committing yourself to making irrevocable decisions and plans.

It is not uncommon, as well as feeling mentally taxed, to feel physically run down—exhausted. Some find it difficult to eat—or have a changed eating pattern—some may have problems with compensatory eating, bingeing chocolate or drinking to excess. Your sleeping patterns may also be disrupted—it is common to experience difficulty in getting off to sleep and also to wake in the early hours of the morning and lie awake for hours thinking.

Eventually these symptoms will fade and disappear. If they persist for a long time should you seek the support of your doctor.

Grief

Grief is a very individual process and we each of us react differently—you are not in any way abnormal if the pattern of your grief appears not to follow the pattern outlined above. Grieving can be a very isolating process: we may feel that no one else could possibly experience what we are going through.

Remember, millions of people have experienced grief and have survived the experience. Remember grief is a time consuming and exhausting thing. It is important to allow yourself the time to grieve—but also it is important to recognise when it is time to stop grieving.

As the pain begins to ease so it becomes more possible to look forward towards the future and move from your isolation towards greater integration.

Colin Kassell