Helping children cope with death

Children grieve too

When children experience the death of a loved one they grieve, just as adults do. They may not be able to verbalize their grief but it is real none the less. They may repress their feelings or express them through their behaviour—acting out their feelings. So yearning is shown by their going around calling out for the dead person—searching for what has been lost as they would for a treasured but lost toy. Children may on the surface seem not to be affected but they are often grieving very deeply.

We may try to exclude children

As parents, teachers or friends, we may want to protect children from the pain of grief. We know ourselves how difficult it is to deal with death and may wonder how a young child could possibly cope with it. So we attempt to exclude children. We isolate them. We leave them on their own to answer their own questions, to seek out the meaning of this death for themselves. As a result, many children facing such a significant loss feel bewildered, abandoned, alone and afraid.

Sharing feelings

The way children learn to respond to death and loss early in life affects their reactions to future losses. If we, as adults, take time to share with children their feelings when a pet dies, to discuss the deaths they experience through books and television and even begin to share with them our own feelings of sadness when someone who is not so close dies, we are helping to prepare them to handle the death of a significant person when it does occur.

The behaviour of grieving children

Children may react to death in a variety of ways. Some will exhibit many of the following reactions, some only a few. Some will react immediately. Others may have very delayed reactions.

• Denial—‘My Mummy didn’t really die.’ When a child resumes play immediately or laughs inappropriately it does not mean that there is no feeling, but that the loss is simply too difficult to bear.

• Anger and hostility—‘How could they die and leave me all alone like this?’ ‘Why didn’t Mummy and Daddy take better care of my baby brother?’ ‘Why did God let my friend die?’

• Guilt—‘If I hadn’t been such a bad little girl my Mummy wouldn’t have died’ ‘I was mad at my brother and told him to drop dead—that is why he died!’

• Panic—‘Who will take care of me now?’

• Searching—Going from room to room looking for Daddy—calling ‘Dad—Dad—Daddy, where are you hiding—come out.'

• Clinging or replacement—‘Don’t leave me Mummy!’ ‘Uncle Dave, do you love me as much as Daddy did?’

• Bodily distress and anxiety—‘I can’t sleep.’ ‘I feel sick, just like my sister before she died.’

• Idealization—‘Grandpa was perfect.’

• Assuming mannerisms—‘Don’t I sound just like my Daddy?’

Ways to help children cope with death

• Be direct, simple and honest. Explain truthfully what has happened. Use the correct words—‘death’, ‘died’, etc and not ‘passed over’, ‘passed on’, ‘lost’, ‘gone to sleep’, etc.

• Encourage the child to express feelings openly. Crying is both normal and helpful.

• Accept the emotions and reactions the child expresses. Don’t tell a child how he should or should not feel.

• Offer warmth and your physical presence and affection. A cuddle can work wonders.

• Share your own feelings of loss and sorrow with the child. Allow a child to comfort you.

• Be patient. Know that children need to hear ‘the story’ time and time again and indeed ask the same questions over and over. It also helps others who are bereaved to tell ‘the story’ again and again as this helps the reality of the situation to sink in.

• Reassure the child that death is not contagious—that the death of one person does not mean the child or other loved ones will soon die.

• Maintain order, stability arid security in the child’s life. It is not good to move house or change schools immediately after bereavement.

• Listen to what the child is telling or asking you. Then respond according to the child’s need and understanding.

• Allow the child to make some decisions about participation in family rituals—e.g. seeing the body of a dead parent, attending and taking part in the funeral and socializing after it. Be sure to explain in advance what will happen and what to expect.

With your loving and patient concern the child will be better able to work through the grief process and to adjust to life without the deceased person being present.

Prepared from several sources by Colin Kassell