Worthing Bereavement Care
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Helping a friend in time of bereavement
There are some who seem to know instinctively what is needed: others, with the best will in the world, do not have such intuition, and the result is sometimes embarrassment, sometimes diffidence, and sometimes an attempt to act as if nothing has happened. Yet others think they understand and know what to do, but by their very reactions show a lack of sensitivity. So they especially need guidance in order to help those who mourn. Time to listen Show that you really care. This will mean giving your time and something of yourself, not once or twice at the beginning but frequently. Many of us find that the sympathetic, listening ear is encouraging, for we need to talk through our experiences. This is also useful to the listener, who, after expressing sympathy, does not know what to say or where to begin. By listening, the friend will often find a clue as to what response will be most helpful. Invitations Each person has to decide what he or she can do to support the one in deep sorrow. A warm offer, ‘Let me know if there is anything I can do’ can be accepted thankfully and perhaps stored up by them for future use as and when needed. Invitations to a meal or an evening at your home can be most welcome, especially at weekends. Some people are very kind and perceptive in offering this kind of support. It is t Highly emotional The bereaved person is for a long while in a highly emotional condition, when unexpectedly strong emotions have to be faced and never knowing when tears are going to be triggered off by words, a tune, or a memory. It is then of little help if we behave as if nothing had happened or, worse still, expect the mourner to do so. Filling life with busyness, driving oneself and being expected to behave ‘normally’ is not the answer for the bereaved person, though a certain amount of mental and physical energy may well be encouraged. Nor should the bereaved be thought of as self-centred if they are preoccupied with this experience which has shaken them to the roots of their being. Only gradually can they be expected (and helped) to regain a better equilibrium to face life again. Don’t be embarrassed by expressed grief Try to get over your own discomfort and displeasure. The bereaved person has plumbed the depths of grief and weeping does not mean that this situation is worse—it cannot be. Allow them to grieve and talk about the loved one. It really doesn’t help to change the subject or try to cheer them up. The mourner is coping with the sense of finality, humanly speaking: never again to see their face, hear their voice, enjoy their company and their love, and experience being loved by them in this life.
As time goes by, slowly and painfully, some energy begins to return and this can assist the coping with grief and the sense of loss. A certain amount of planning and trying to work out a balance and more of a routine can be very useful. But this has to be done, in the main, by the bereaved person; others may help with Ups and downs Some days are more difficult than others: indeed, life seems like a Yo-yo, with intensified moods of ups and downs. It is an erratic course, especially at first. So do not presume to Continuing help After the first few weeks and months, when one is overwhelmed by letters, phone calls, visits and invitations, there often comes a lull in these aids and comforts. That is when your continuing help is often needed and most welcome. Naturally, with many other preoccupations, friends and relatives allow this death to slip into the background. But for the one so deeply affected, each day has to be faced anew with heartache and without the presence of the loved one. It could be salutary to recall what you have done since the death. It may be just one letter. It may be frequent visits or invitations. In other words, does your caring continue? Weekends and Bank Holidays can be especially sad for the bereaved, not to mention the ever-recurring anniversaries. Don’t imagine that because the outward signs of grief decrease, are controlled or bravely hidden by good acting, that there is not still heartache beneath the surface. Do try to avoid asking ‘Are you feeling better?’ as if there has been an attack of influenza. Life without the loved one, with a broken heart or the scars of heartbreak, is never easy. Still loved and wanted Although the partner and sharer of life has gone from this world, it is good for those who care to make it quite clear that the one who remains is still loved, wanted and needed. There are many different ways of making this known, not least by asking the bereaved person to help where there is a need. When one is left living quite alone, it can be reassuring to know that there are one or two homes nearby where one would be welcomed when a particularly bad patch of depression and sadness strikes, as it does from time to time. To be able to call and not feel a nuisance is in itself comforting. Help offered and accepted gives opportunity for the grace of receiving as well as that of giving. A fairly regular arrangement of sharing a meal (particularly with a housebound friend) offers of help with jobs in the home (which are difficult without a partner) or perhaps gardening with a friend (alternately at his home and yours) can be So the continuing caring asks for thoughtfulness and kindness, and each one has to look for opportunities and decide what he or she can do. Slow and painful The grieving process is of necessity slow and painful. It cannot he hurried but needs patience and courage. Tears are no cause for shame! They are a vital part of grieving to be encouraged. Nor will it help to regard a widowed person as one who is adjusting to being ‘single’ again. That will never be. The one who has suffered close oneness then heartbreak will never be the same as being ‘single’. Think of two squares: one blue, one yellow. They become one and are green. When half is removed, what remains is half a green square—neither blue nor yellow! A shoulder to cry on Some people just need a shoulder to cry on, or a hand to be held very tightly, or an arm around them to comfort them as they are overcome by emotion, and then they recover their composure. It is a mistake to appear to overlook the tragic fact of bereavement in the hope that it will go away. It doesn’t! The Bible has this advice for us: ‘I sat where they sat’ and ‘Weep with those that weep’—if not literally, then inwardly. It should also be realised that no one is expected fully to understand the bereavement experience without having gone through it, or even having gone through one’s own grief think that the grief of another would be the same. The relationship is different and the person who died is different and unique so the feelings, though similar are not identical. It is not wise even to try to imagine the pain of such loss. Suffice it to say that the event is traumatic. There may be emotional exhaustion. There will be shock, whether death has come slowly or suddenly. Guilt and anger are also to be expected. No respite The price to be paid by the one who is left, or the depth of the grief, will depend upon the closeness of the relationship in life, if the one concerned is the partner in a happy marriage. Then the ‘amputation without anaesthetic’ will be severe, for this is surely the most intense of all bereavements. Each day has to be faced again with fresh courage. There is no respite from the lack of physical presence and the sense of loss, except perhaps in sleep. But it should also be borne in mind that where a relationship is not close or was ‘difficult’, or there were many issues left unresolved between spouses, then this situation also causes many mixed grief reactions and is in its own way a hard grieving. Finding healing The experience is one which affects body, mind and spirit and the whole system is shaken to its core. The distress, despair and tears must come, for they are part of the grieving and healing process. Progress through grief may be hindered and damage done if weeping is dammed up or restricted by the influence of others. So do not be embarrassed by these tears. It may he a good idea sometimes to encourage this release of emotion. Whatever the feelings of the bereaved they are acceptable and right for them. So it is always a matter of giving time and attention and of listening to the bereaved, who need to tell their story over and over again before they can move on to build a new life for themselves without the bereaved person being present. It comes back to the words of Christ in the Prepared from several sources by Colin Kassell
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Many are anxious to help the bereaved person, but just do not know what to say or do. It may be that they have never before had to support or cope with a bereaved person who is close to them and who is going through the devastating journey of shock, grief and, eventually, readjustment.
herapeutic also for the bereaved person to try to find balance in a varied routine: accepting invitations, entertaining visitors (probably in a limited way at first) going out (to work, shopping, some kind of entertainment or leisure activity, evening classes, etc.) calling on a friend, and staying at home at other times, learning to live alone. After an evening out, it is kind and comforting to be taken home to the front door, to break the trauma and effort of entering an empty house.
Finding their own pace
encouragement and suggestions, but it is important to allow each one to find his or her own pace. It is usually enough to think of one day at a time and leave the rest in God’s hands, with faith. Above all, do not offer your own opinions forcefully, giving the impression that the bereaved person is quite incapable of making balanced decisions—that you know what is best for him/her and what should be done.
tell them what to do—and show displeasure when they do not do it! They will feel able, sometimes, to undertake certain responsibilities or enter into some social events. Other activities, for the time being, will be avoided or postponed. Try to remember that the bereaved are just not ready for these things yet. So do not drive or push them or even encourage too enthusiastically. Be very patient. On no account lose your temper or indulge in harshness or unkindness. Do remember, also, that (as in other areas of life) some credit and appreciation of effort, courage and progress can provide a much needed tonic of encouragement.
practical, pleasant and useful to all concerned. Having to ask often for help does nothing to lighten the sense of loss and consequent inadequacy.