The emotional route through grief

Thoughts for those who walk in the valley of the shadow

Grief is a natural process

Grief is a natural process, which all of us will experience at one time or another in our lives. The emotional and physical aspects of grief may affect us differently with each loss. We are all of us unique in the way we handle grief. The relationship we have with the person who has died will differ. Our closeness to them and how much we depend on them will also be different.

Stages of grief

We do well to remember that whether we go through a tragic loss (such as a death) or a minor loss, our body goes through stages of recovery. There is shock, denial, guilt, anger, depression, understanding, acceptance. These are varied emotional responses to our loss rather than stages in a process. So they can be experienced in a cyclical way. We may often re-visit and experience feelings over again—feelings which we had thought were completed and we had moved on. The length of time the healing process takes differs according to the intensity of our emotions and the quality of the relationship we had with the person we have lost.

Feelings of grief

There are many feelings which we all share in common and which we can talk about. The purpose of this article is to reassure you that your feelings, whatever they are and however strongly you feel them, are valid. You have a right to express them and you can pass through grief to recovery.

After someone close to you has died you may feel numb. You may be unable to believe or accept that your loved one has died and that they will not be coming back. You may feel as if you are in a daze. Your surroundings may feel unreal. You may not be able to understand how other people can carry on with their lives as if nothing had happened—when you know that life as you knew it has ended and can never be the same. You may miss parts of what people are saying to you, be unable to concentrate on anything and react in uncharacteristic ways to things. You may feel physically ill, be inconsistent in your actions and feel you are going mad. These feelings are very normal and usual in early grief. You are not going mad. It takes a long time for the reality of your loved one’s death to become a part of your inner world and so part of you.

Grief is absorbed slowly

During this time it is important not to make major changes or moves, for you are not in total control and you are already dealing with enough changes in your emotional world. It is important to realize that a loss has happened—try to avoid running away from it, denying it, covering your feelings up, blocking them off, or pushing them away into a hiding place which cannot really be found.

Grief is absorbed slowly. Do not seek to hurry the healing process. Remember you can only go one step at a time. Recovery will have progressions and regressions—sometimes leaping ahead and then sliding back almost to where you were before. You may feel as if you are back to square one—this can be depressing and you may begin to question if things will ever be any different. If you can accept and realize this then healing is already under way. You have learnt the important lesson that grief can be a long process, a difficult struggle, and if you face the feelings and talk about them, you will find healing.

Anger and guilt

Another stage of grief is anger. You may find yourself feeling angry with God, with the doctors, with yourself (for not having done more) and even with the person who has died (for going away and leaving you). You may feel guilty for not having done this or that, for not having seen the person one more time, for not being more aware or more honest, for not saying I love you more often, for all the little real or imagined things you did not do or complete or say. You may even feel guilty for the feelings you are now experiencing. You may feel sadness and pain to the point of not wanting to do much of anything. You may have swings in feelings from the very strong to those which are less intense and then back again.

You may feel quite confused by the range and kind of feelings you are having and the strength of emotions you are experiencing. These feelings are all quite usual in grief—they are normal and to be expected.

If you do not experience this confusion of feelings your grief is still normal—not everyone has mood swings and some people are more comfortable holding sad and strong feelings than other people. Every one who suffers a loss through death has their own feelings and it is right that they express these feelings in their own way.

You will heal

It would be good to keep in mind that there is an end to what you are now going through and you will heal. Grief can be likened to a wound or a broken limb which pains again and again.

Grief has many stages; all of which are necessary to heal the wound. Little by little you will become whole again. It is important to allow yourself time. Be patient with yourself and gentle too.

A close friend

In order to deal with these feelings more effectively allow yourself to experience them as they come. Do not try to push them away, or hold them back in an effort to be brave. It is OK to cry—it does help to release these strong feelings in tears.

It is right to express resentments as well as appreciations. It is right to speak ill of the dead if it tells things as they were. People can be unreasonable—demanding—difficult—as well as loving kind and helpful. We need to grieve for real people with all that was difficult and bad about them as well as acknowledging the good. We may miss a person with every fibre of our being and yet he relieved that their demands have no longer to be met. Feeling relieved that a person has died and is no longer suffering need not lead to feelings of guilt or remorse.

Relief is a good feeling and it is right to feel it when we no longer have to watch the struggle and suffering of someone we love as they lay dying.

Allow yourself to express these feelings to someone you trust. This might be a close friend who will listen and not judge. It might be your priest or minister. You might feel you want to commit your thoughts to your personal diary.

You might want to write a letter to the person who has died. You might want to pray things through with God. Culturally we make use of the funeral service to say our goodbyes but you may need to feel that you have said goodbye in your own very personal way. If you feel this need then ensure that you complete your purpose.

Talking with your children

You may wish to share some of your feelings with your children, but do not ask them to protect you. It may be better to go to someone who is a bit further removed from the emotional responses of close relationship with you and the deceased. Where small children are involved do not try to protect them from the pain of loss—this would be an impossible task. Do not attempt to hide the reality of the death from them. Tell them the truth and help them to express their feelings of sadness and sorrow.

Children have a right to know and to grieve but they may not know how to do this. Outbursts of anger, tears or fear are quite normal, but children are much better at accepting what they are told than adults. Young children generally have no idea about the permanence of death and so may need to be helped to understand that the person who has died will not be coming back. Children need to be encouraged to say how they feel and if they see other people in the family showing their own feelings it will help a child to grieve. Grieving with children is best done within the family.

You may need to comfort them if they cry but do allow a child to comfort you if you are able to cry when they are there. Children may find it helpful to express their feelings through drawings.

Two of the greatest fears children have when there is a death in the family is that they somehow caused the problem, and that they may be abandoned. Your response is to answer their questions about death as accurately as you can. Be willing to say that you do not know, to remind them that they will he cared for and loved and that they are not at fault. As with adults, children will need constant reassurance should fears return as they often do.

Sometimes a parent may tell a child that the person who has died is now in heaven. This may mean nothing to them unless you help them to visualize what heaven may be. What comes to mind? (a beautiful garden—a green meadow with trees—flowers—music)

What it is important to emphasize is freedom from past pain, wholeness, contentment and fulfillment. Make heaven alive, a place to look forward to being part of, a situation of happiness, light and peace.

Another fear a child may have is that death is contagious. When someone close to us dies, the security of our own hold on life is challenged. For a child this may mean wondering if they may be next. If they have a cold or a headache or a pain where the person who died had pain they may think they are dying too. A child needs reassurance that these fears are unfounded.

If a child has been given inappropriate information (for example that Daddy has gone away, that he has fallen asleep, or that God wanted him to be with him because he was so good) do not be surprised if the child reacts by thinking that Daddy did not love him and so left him, or if he is frightened of going to bed in case he dies in his sleep or if he suddenly becomes very naughty so that God will not want him.

Saying goodbye

If you want to move on in your recovery from grief you will need eventually to say goodbye. By not saying goodbye, by not completing any unfinished business with the deceased, the experience of grieving may be prolonged, sometimes over many years. It is usual for grief to take anything up to four years to resolve—avoiding saying goodbye and letting go on the dead person’s life can prolong this process.

Your own feelings will indicate if you have completed saying your goodbyes, have said goodbye too soon and need to say it again, or have not said goodbye at all.

After the goodbye, before grief passes, you may be plunged into deep sadness, an appropriate deep loss, depression or even despair. This indicates an awareness that the person is gone and will not return. This too, difficult though it is to endure, is a stage on the way to healing. It is a stage all must pass through. It is a healthy acceptance of a cruel reality. If you feel your despair is prolonged it would be wise to talk to those you trust about it.  Also, grief counsellors are available. A priest, minister, counsellor, visitor from Worthing Bereavement Care or member of Cruse can be very helpful at this stage of grieving.

Whether or not we need formal counselling, we do all need someone to talk with. It might be a family member or a close friend: someone who can and will listen—preferably a person who has had their own grief to work through. The less you have talked about death before it happens, the more you may feel the need to do so afterwards.

Getting help

Death is a part of life but so many people do not deal with death in an open way. They hide it away and would never think of talking about it. This means that death has become a taboo subject which is not talked about in nice circles. This adds to the fears of death and dying and means that those who suffer bereavement are avoided because no one knows what to say or how to deal with what has become an embarrassing topic of conversation. The bereaved often complain that people whom they thought of as friends cross the street rather than be faced with having to talk to them. Perhaps people fear they may say the wrong thing and make matters worse. Whatever their reason the bereaved person may feel very hurt that they have been avoided.

Alive again

At some point you will want to begin to reach out and be with other people. You will want to become more involved with activities and relationships, both old and new. You will see once again the possibilities of your own life. For each person, the time of grief and eventual acceptance or resolution of the death will differ. It depends on how you feel about it and this is not dependent upon what well-meaning friends and relatives may say or custom decrees. It has to feel right to you.

You may need help with this process of reintegration. Don’t be afraid of asking friends to go with you to a function and come home with you afterwards. It can be a daunting prospect to return to an empty house so enlist the help of family or friends to enable this transition to happen smoothly.

Special people

We have all known special people who have known fear, defeat, pain, suffering, struggle and loss and have yet found their way out of these depths and have in their turn been able to help and be strong for others. These people have an appreciation, sensitivity and understanding of life that fills them with gracious gentleness, love, compassion and deep care for others.

Those like you who have suffered the loss of a loved one through death, when they have come through to healing, have much to offer to others. Perhaps you too may in time he able to offer your own unique help to those who face their own limbo of suffering and grief.

Hope and new life

No one can learn about love and compassion unless they have had their own burdens of grief to bear. Understanding does come out of agony, anxiety and uncertainty. So does hope and new life.

Even after the death of a loved one, life still does have meaning but it is a meaning that each one struggles to find for themselves. Each new day, try to become aware of the importance of living each moment to the full. Some day you will be able to look back in appreciation and thanksgiving for the ways your loved one enriched you without feeling the need to burst into tears or express your sadness.

One does not suddenly come out of grief and pain, but as you pass through it and become more involved with others, the pain will lessen and understanding and acceptance begin to grow.

Memories and tomorrow

We are all children of today and tomorrow but we are also children of yesterday. One should try not to destroy a beautiful part of life because remembering it hurts.

The learning curve is to strike a delicate balance between the yesterday that is remembered and valued and the new tomorrow that must be created.

The aim of this exploration of feelings and grief after your loved one has died is to achieve a goal. The goal is this: to be able to remember a loved one without pain and to integrate the loss into our lives. So that when a loved one dies our capacity to love does not die with them.

Suggested reading

Scripture References

Romans Chapter 8 and Chapter 14:7-9

1 Corinthians Chapter 15

2 Corinthians 1:3-5, 4:7-end

1 Thessalonians 4:13-18

Revelation 21:1-7

Lamentations Chapter 3

Wisdom 3:1-11

John 6:35-40, 11:17-27, 14:1-6, 20:1-9

Acknowledgements

This reflection is the product of many years working with the dying and bereaved. The thoughts owe a great deal to many sources available in the hospice movement and to those who have written about the need to grieve.

Colin Kassell